[cell phone rings]
- [girls] Hi, Dad. - [man] Hi, honeys,
Sorry I wasn't there this morning to make pancakes,
but you never know when Mr, Stork is gonna pay a visit,
Dad, you realize we know where babies come from, right?
Do you realize where they come out?
Trust me, not pretty.
- [both] Dad! - All right, look,
It's the first day of school, so remember the most important thing:
- Don't get pregnant. - [both] Dad!
"Dad."
I'm just saying, boys wanna put a baby in you.
Are we clear, Bianca?
Well, they'd have to do it in vitro, since I can't date until Kat does.
[father] Then we're clear on the rules,
I only make them because you girls mean so much to me.
Your mother predicted what smart,
beautiful, young women you'd grow into. And how right she was.
She'd want you to know that,
- [both] Thanks, Dad. - She'd also want you to know that
syphilis, gonorrhea and genital herpes are on the rise
- among American teenagers, - [both] Goodbye, Dad.
Whoa!
Push.
We're headed to high school, not the Academy Awards.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
We're talking about teenagers. They're impressed by shiny objects.
- Thus, my earrings. - You could just try being yourself.
Spoken like a true unpopular person.
That never works.
Using exhaustive Facebook research, I've identified the most popular girl.
I then deconstructed her profile and used that data
to carefully plot out our first encounter
so as to easily befriend and beguile her.
Beguile? Big word, Shakespeare.
[# Emily Osment: All The Way Up]
[Bianca] Pull over here. I wanna make an entrance.
[Bianca] Your door is stuck.
[Kat grunts]
Your Highness.
- How do I look? - Shallow.
Thank you!
[tires screeching]
[gasps]
Hey. You're the one speeding in a school zone.
- [starts engine] - Do you mind?
[music continues]
- [indistinct chatter] - [honking]
This is my spot.
I was told the spots aren't assigned.
Oh, no, no. They are assigned... by Charles Darwin.
So why don't you and your dinosaur
head to the back with the rest of the extinct species.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my... Oh, my God!
My car! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, God!
My dinosaur wanted to Jurassic park here.
- [growls] - [school bell rings]
[theme music plays]
Hey, sophomore!
What are you wearing?
This is a new look for the new Michael. Goodbye Mikey.
Hello Michael, emo-hipster musician.
- You play piccolo in the marching band. - High school is how you spin it.
Even the biggest dorks can be cool as long as they play their cards right.
- Look at Shia LaBeouf. - I don't care about cool.
I just want a girlfriend.
And every girl here remembers that tornado drill in fourth grade
when I wet my pants.
Can I press pause on this Lifetime TV movie?
This is our year, man!
Change is in the air. I can feel it!
Hey, Mikey! What are you doing outta your locker?
Oh, hey, Big E. Back for another senior year, I see.
Have you heard the new Fall Out Boy? It slays.
It's really good, man. You should check it out. They're a great band.
[sighs] Wow.
My locker hates me.
[boy] I could help you.
Seventeen, 1 3, 1 1...
Great combo. You'll never forget this.
- Descending prime numbers. - Yay, math.
So you're new here?
Yep. My family just moved here from Ohio.
Well...
If you need any directions,
or class advice or CPR, I am certified.
- My name's Cameron. - Bianca.
Thanks a lot.
I love you.
[woman] This is a very serious matter.
Girls, tell me what happened.
What happened is this...
Girl?
...mauled my MlNl Cooper.
No, I asserted my right to park. Those spaces are communal prop...
Chastity, are you OK? Does anything hurt?
My neck is a little bit sore.
That's probably from flipping your hair too much.
You should go see the nurse right now. After all, we can't risk
our head cheerleader having an injury just days before the first pep rally.
Go, Penguins!
[giggles] So get outta here.
- And have a wonderful first day. - Bye-bye.
- OK. - All right.
Whoo!
What you did was dangerous. Very, very, very dangerous.
I was going two miles an hour. Not exactly The Fast and the Furious,
Listen. Karol? Karen? Katherine...
I can tell from your transcripts you're gonna be a very effective...
...activist someday.
I'm sure you'll really stick it to the man.
But here at Padua High, the man is Chastity,
the daughter of the school board superintendant.
This is a public school.
Every student deserves to be treated with dignity and respect.
[chuckles]
No. That's private school.
Here, we keep Chastity happy so we keep our funding.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to kiss some ass.
Mr. Verona, what a surprise. Come in.
Without the sharp object.
Personal space. Ever heard of it?
What's she doing now?
Other than looking beautiful, of course.
Oh... She's taking off her shirt.
Man, I pegged her as a B cup, tops.
[laughing]
Dude, I don't have much time before her social status is determined.
It's like she's about to reach into the sorting hat at Hogwarts.
Well, then get over there, Harry Pooper, and pull out your wand.
[Cameron] OK. OK.
Um...
So... what do I say first?
Oh, careful. Go slow, all right?
Sorry.
She's so brave.
[Bianca] Watch out!
I wouldn't want you to fall in those... fierce shoes!
- Marc Jacobs? - Betsey Johnson.
Besides, as my grandma used to say, I can't be caught dead without mascara.
My grandma used to say that.
No way!
My favorite band is Coldplay, I love Scrabulous
and my dream car is a metallic blue convertible MlNl Cooper.
- I'm Chastity. - Bianca.
Walk with me and tell me your life story.
Well, we just moved here from...
Wow, great story. You should try out for cheerleading.
OK.
Too late. Voldemort's got her.
Man, not so fast. All we need is a plan.
Hey, your mom has her wine club tonight.
It's scary you know that.
She gets a little flirty afterwards. It's fun.
Ew.
But tonight, when they're gone, we're gonna throw a party.
The last party we went to was a bar mitzvah. Yours.
If we throw the first rager of the year, we will be legends.
And Bianca will be able to talk to you in public!
- My mom will be home at midnight. - We call the cops at 1 1 :00.
They break up the party, making it even more epic.
Oh, come on. Picture greeting Bianca
as she walks into this raging party
at your house.
- My house. - Yeah.
All right, well, we're not exactly Clooney and Pitt.
I mean, how do we get people to come?
- Trust me. - I do.
[spray can hissing]
Don't worry, I won't bust you. Just had to get out of the lunchroom.
Apparently, it's no longer acceptable to chew with your mouth closed.
What's your name?
When you're a big-time artist,
I wanna be able to say I knew you back in high school.
Provided you're not in jail for vandalism.
- Mandella. - Kat.
Mandella, who is Captain lntensity over there?
Patrick Verona. People say he knows the taste of human flesh.
Please, he's just trying to act mysterious so he can get laid.
Watch.
Maybe we should stand somewhere else. Somewhere out of state.
There.
Do you work in any other mediums?
- Favorite dog? - Labradoodle.
- Efron or Timberlake? - No contest. Timberlake.
- Project Runway? - Love it.
- Want Tim Gunn to officiate my wedding. - Wow. We are so alike, it's scary.
Hold this.
Bianca... [giggles]
...this is Joey Donner,
my boyfriend and Padua's starting quarterback.
Babe, I told you, I don't know if I'll be starting this Friday.
Ooh! Well, let's hope so, because I don't date second string.
I'll see you at tryouts. I really hope that you don't suck.
Bye!
She's a spitfire, huh? I can see why you love her.
Yep. She's the best.
[school bell rings]
- Well, I'm late for chemistry. - Well, I'm late for chemistry.
[both laugh]
After you.
[music plays on TV]
[boy] Tabitha, go,
I'm Tabitha Cook, student council secretary,
A new school year is upon us
and you can just feel the excitement in the air,
In order to get everyone excited, we'll be holding the,,,
[Michael] Attention Padua High School students,
Is the end of summer bringing out your dark side?
Nothing cures the back-to-school blues better
than a kick-ass intergalactic party,
- Right, Chewy? - [roaring]
[Michael] If you like to party and wanna do it tonight,
text 555-0 1 72 for coordinates,
Luke, I am your father,
Hurry! If we get caught in here, I'll get kicked out of the AV club.
You're one of two members. Highly unlikely.
- [Cameron] Think it worked? - Oh yeah, it worked.
- Nice wookie, by the way. - Thanks.
Megan, enough.
You all did really great at tryouts today,
so give yourselves a round of applause.
[applause]
The reason that we call today "tryouts" is because not everyone can make it.
If everyone could make it, well, then today would be called sign-ups.
- Yeah. - And that means that some,
no, let's be honest, most of you won't make the squad.
Those of you who don't may beat yourselves up about it.
Heck, some of you may regret it for the rest of your lives.
You'll think back on tomorrow when I post the list
as the moment
when it all went wrong.
Oh!
- So good luck! [laughs] Yeah! - [girls] Go Penguins!
Great speech. Very inspiring.
Yeah, but no one cried.
[sighs, grunting]
Sorry. I'm expelling their loser energy.
- Oh! - After all, you and I are winners.
[squeaks, laughs]
- [car horn honks] - Ah!
There's road-rage girl again.
Of the ten things I hated about today,
she's number one, number five and number eight.
I swear, they will let anyone into public school.
You're right. Dad's gonna kill us if we're not home for dinner.
Quit the charades and get in the car.
See you tomorrow.
By the way, you look amazing in this light.
Amazing.
- She hates you. - Oh, I'm touched.
You have ruined my chances at being popular!
I'm sorry, but that girl sucks.
She's a teenage Kim Jong-il!
- Speak English, you show-off. - Kim Jong-il!
The dictator of North Korea! Dad?
North Korea? So what?
I'm talking about our high school where I'm going to become unpopular!
My life isn't worth living.
Yes, it's way worse than having bound feet or wearing a burka.
- English! - Enough!
Bianca, honey, I know you're upset, but Kat's right.
- What? - You get obsessed with popularity.
Keep things in perspective. That's all.
- May I be excused? - Already? That's like a record.
I don't need to carbo load. I'm not running a marathon tomorrow.
- Thank you, Dad. - For what?
Agreeing with me that popularity is a shallow, superficial thing to pursue.
I don't agree with you.
What?
What's wrong with being popular. I loved it.
I loved being captain of the football team.
President of student council. Any girl I wanted.
Dad, that was Uncle Jimmy.
So it was.
Look, the problem is that it's the popular girls
the popular boys wanna have S-E-X with.
Would you get the parmesan, please?
How much longer do I have to use this in the house?
Until you realize a car is not a toy.
Today's accident could've been much worse.
I told you. It wasn't an accident.
- [Kat] Dad? - Ah.
- [muffled shouting] - Ow! You bit me!
First thing you learn in my Victims No More class.
Where are your car keys?
I have to go to that party and tell Chastity that you're adopted.
You're not taking the car. You haven't had driver's ed.
It's a big go-cart. How hard can it be?
Fine. You drive me.
No way, Miss Daisy.
I'll tell Dad you're not a virgin.
You have one hour.
See, I didn't realize the person who throws the party
is also supposed to supply the alcohol.
But I have a surprise!
- [Michael] Keg's here! - [cheering]
Courtesy of me, Michael Bernstein.
Sophomore, musician and legend.
Enjoy, everybody!
- How'd you get a keg? - It's non-alcoholic beer.
My God, they're gonna kill us.
By the time they figure out they're not drunk, the cops will bust up the party.
- Yeah? - She's here.
Welcome to my home.
Thanks, Cameron.
- It's nice. - I can't take credit.
I have a gay uncle who dabbles in decorating.
- His theme was suburban rain forest. - How fascinating.
Listen, do you know if Chastity is here?
I don't.
But I can help you look.
[indistinct chatter]
[motorcycle engine revving]
OK. Enough.
All right, Hannibal Lecter, let's cut to the chase.
You want some of this?
No? Then how about some of this?
[Taser crackles]
- What do you want? - What do you mean?
I mean, do you wanna deal me drugs?
Or steal my car? Or harvest my organs?
Why are people scared of you?
People are not scared of me.
Sure they are.
It's why I find you interesting.
[engine starts]
He's such a great lover and I was like...
[# Gram Rabbit: Hot Spit]
Tell me more about life in Ohio.
Well, we had a good outlet mall.
Oh, fascinating. What stores?
[Joey] Hey, babe.
Hey... A little closet time?
Is it true?
I swear I never showed anybody our video.
No, is it true that Tommy is starting in Friday's game?
Coach said I need to work on my three-step drop.
What you should have been doing all summer
instead of taking those stupid modeling classes.
Or maybe this is a sign that modeling is my future.
Oh, Joey... [laughs]
I am the youngest head cheerleader in the history of Padua High School.
My future is dating the quarterback,
not a catalog model.
[laughing]
- [Joey] Look, I can be high fashion! - OK.
Bianca?
[laughs] I thought you were Chastity.
She thinks it's dumb that I wanna be a male model.
But check this out.
Wow. You're really smiling with your eyes.
Modeling is hard work. I mean, I'm making it look easy.
People think it just happens.
I know how you feel.
You want to be a model, too?
- No... - I think you could.
You... You've got great bone structure.
[Chastity] Why aren't you chasing after me?
- How dare you. - It's not what you think.
We have chemistry together.
The class, not the other thing!
Hey, we match!
Get out.
Hey!
Hey, awesome party! Right, buddy?
Yeah!
Yes, let's do this!
We're the world's last superpower
and yet we don't have universal healthcare.
Are you talking to me or the Democrats in your head?
Dad, have you seen that box of old piano sheet music?
No, honey. Why?
Well, since I'm not going to be popular, I guess I'll join show choir.
Closeted gay guys are fun.
- She doesn't seem like herself. - I know, isn't it great?
Come on, Dad, she's obsessed with what other people think.
Mom would not approve.
You know, your mother saw Bianca's ability
to fearlessly dive into any social situation
as one of her best traits.
- She did? - She did.
She also loved your respect for others and your sense of fairness.
Which is why I find it strange someone so passionate about healthcare
could lack any compassion for her own sister.
Wow, you're good.
Nah. You're the one who played the dead mom card.
I just served it back.
[girl] Oh, my God! I love this part.
Seeing all their crushed, sad little faces.
It makes me realize how lucky we are.
And we should never forget it. I'll meet you girls outside.
I'm gonna do a second coat. Build the suspense.
- See ya! - Bye!
- [girl] I love this part. - [girl 2] I know it.
[Chastity] OK...
I don't wanna be part of any lesbian locker room fantasy.
I'm here to talk about my sister.
What a coincidence!
I was just about to send her to social Siberia.
Look, Bianca and l are completely different people.
I wanna be somebody, and she wants to be you.
Big deal. Every girl in this school wants to be me.
Ooh! And the guys in show choir.
- Put her on the squad. - Hm... Not a chance.
- Move it, Elphaba. - Bring it on, skinny bitch.
What are you...? What are you doing?
Stop! I wasn't ready.
This morning, I signed up to be yearbook photo editor.
I'm sure that'll look really good on your community college application.
Which means I'm in charge of all the photos that go in it.
Put her on the squad or on every page, you will be sporting a double chin,
a muffin top or cankles.
Freaky friends forever!
[indistinct chatter]
- Bianca, hey! - Hey.
Listen, um...
I think I was a little bit hard on you.
After all, you can't help who, or what, your sister is.
And Joey told me about his confusion.
He's confused a lot.
I guess buying the same blouse does show you have good taste.
I asked a hundred people in Times Square who wore it best.
- You won. - Mm-hm.
I'm prepared to give you a second chance.
- I'm a cheerleader? - Ooh! Not quite.
But you can be the mascot:
Percival the Penguin! Yay!
- The mascot? - Well, you'll be on the squad.
One of us, only covered in fur.
You don't have to worry about fixing your hair color.
So, what do you say?
Be Percival!
Poor Percival.
You know he had two kids?
No, I didn't.
But I do know the inside of his head smells like a field of armpits.
Hey, at least I made the cheerleading squad.
You did?
Oh, yay. Happy day.
Now, I can focus on passing French. It's way beyond what I had in Ohio.
I could tutor you. I mean, if you want.
You would do that?
[speaking fake French]
See? I didn't get any of that.
You're a lifesaver.
Ow!
See you tomorrow.
Adios!
I mean, ciao.
I gotta learn French.
[motorcycle revving]
You guys should really be wearing helmets.
Safety first.
Let's go, before someone sees me in this piece of crap.
Tough talk from the girl carrying the giant penguin head.
I made the squad, that's what counts.
It turns out Chastity is a real sweet, forgiving person.
Nothing like that Long Duk Dong.
- Kim Jong-il? - Whatever.
- [radio] Opponents are concerned,,, - No more NPR.
It's giving me menopause.
[groans]
[# KSM: I Want You To Want Me]
[metal crunches]
[Bianca] What was that sound?
- [Kat] Justice. - [Bianca] Kat.
[Chastity] You have got to be kidding me!
Hey! Hey!